Part Three of my Non-fiction
I didn’t expect to write this right away, but as soon as I posted it popped into my head.
I haven’t told many people about this part of my life. So…yeah.
I’ve mentioned that when I joined Hard Drive that I was struggling – with myself, with the world around me, with nearly aspect of my life. I had a loving family, supportive parents, great friends. What could possibly be my problem?
When I was eighteen I started seeing the boy next door. Literally he lived next door. He was best buds with my little brother (who is eight years younger than me) but he was my age. At first it was just fooling around. I didn’t want a relationship because all mine ended badly. It seemed every guy wanted one thing – sex. When I wouldn’t put out, he dumped me.
As the months moved on, I fell for him. It wasn’t much longer that I became pregnant. I was so head over heels that I missed the warning signs.
He did everything to keep me from my parents and my friends.
He accused me violently if another guy just looked at me.
He hit me and blamed me for it.
He raped me. At the time I shoved it aside. I was just being a good girlfriend, right? It took years for me to see what he really had done. I said stop. I said no more. He held me down and kept going.
He told me I was worthless. Stupid. Ugly. No one could love me. He told me that over and over until I believed him. I believed him for years, decades, no matter what anyone would say.
Some days I still believe him to this day.
He threatened to kill any guy who came near me. Months later, a couple guys would assault my fiancé outside his place of employment.
When I went to a store I would search the aisles for him. At first I thought it was out of anticipation. Later I realized it was out of fear. I couldn’t handle crowds. What if he was there? Would hurt my now husband? Would he hurt me? Would he take the child that he had pretty much thrown away?
I contemplated killing myself. Seriously I thought about it. I devised ways to go through with it. The pain I felt, the dead feeling inside was just so hard to take. I didn’t feel like I was living. But every time I plotted, I thought of my children. I couldn’t leave them motherless. So I kept on. I lashed out at my husband. I made his life miserable.
The first step out of my hell was a book. I’m a huge Karen Marie Moning fan and I was in the middle of the Fever series. The heroine talked about the walls she built between her and the hero. It made me think. I built walls between my husband and me. I wanted to tear them down. But I had no idea how.
Then I started training at Hard Drive. Slowly I gained confidence. I saw my self worth. I started to recognize the people around me who loved me. I saw the man who had rescued me from the bastard who destroyed me, who loved me despite of the pain I put him through. I saw my proud parents and brother who had always been by my side. I saw my children who loved me so much. I saw the new family who had adopted me as one of their own. Up to this point I thought their words and actions were just for show. No one could love me. That’s what I believed. That’s what was rammed into my brain.
I saw through the lies. I was getting my life back. For the first time in so many years I stepped outside of my shell and took a breath.
It was glorious.
Now, it wasn’t an overnight experience. There were many days, nearly four years of them, that got me there. There were many souls that touched mine and ignited it. This isn’t just my story. It’s our story. It’s time to tell it.